Chapter 4: Welcome To My Paradise

Elmer

Chapter 4: Welcome To My Paradise

            Signing off from my laptop, I started making preparations for my trip to Priroda Moon. After spending about an hour of packing my covert ops equipment (gas grenades, shock fists and your typical infiltration gear), I ensured that everything in the house had been completely nailed down (in the case that some fucker intended to break in) and its security system restored after the embarrassing incident that happened last night. It wasn't the first time that I left my apartment for a mission like this, and it certainly wasn't the last time either. I took one last good look at my home before leaving it; I'm not gonna be seeing it for a few weeks.

            OK, exposition time. I feel bad for not being able to tell you guys about the backstory of this universe, and you must be feeling a little left behind in terms of current events (and Arjan certainly didn't help with the narration of the backstory, what with his gentle and patient skills of story narration). Just give me a moment to leave my apartment before I begin indulging you in the rich history of the discovery and development of my world.

            (Are you done with stalling the narration of the story yet? Something tells me that the readers are getting real tired of your bullshit) Yes, yes. I'm out. Forgive me, I think better when I'm out in the city, soaking in the views of the world around me (kinda contradicts the logic of how you managed to narrate the events of the past few chapters within the sparse confines of your apartment room, but I'll ignore that painfully obvious flaw. As long as you continue the story, I'm fine. Great, now I'M stalling). So anyway, let's go back to the beginning. Like, WAY back, back when Earth wasn't a completely barren wasteland scarce of natural resources.

            A long time ago, there was a time when Russia and the United States were engaged in this intense conflict called the “Cold War” or something (I'm not a history buff, so spare me). This “Cold War” wasn't really something you'd classify as a “war,” If that even makes any sense. It was more like a military tension, I guess (thanks, Wikipedia). Just think of the event as a muscle-flexing competition, in which each participant showed off his/her muscles, and the person with the biggest muscles would be declared the winner of the competition. In the Cold War's case, however, instead of individual participants, the competition was more like a one-on-one matchup between two sides, which in this case was Russia and the States. Oh, and instead of muscles being the deciding factor of the victor, the Cold War simply followed one rule in deciding its winner: simply put, whichever side displayed more power won. This led to the mass production of many war-related devices, primarily nuclear warheads (for this reason, some people refer to the Cold War as an “arms race”), to the point that mutually assured destruction of both sides could've been a very likely possibility in the case that they should ever unleash the gargantuan might of their nuclear arsenal against each other.

            After spending several years of building walls in Germany, making treaties (following the death of a particularly tyrannical Russian despot) and plotting their enemy's downfall in general, both sides decided to welcome the entry a completely new factor into the Cold War: the “Space Race”. The Space Race began when the Russians launched Earth's first satellite (an event which fittingly followed the launch of the world's very first intercontinental ballistic missile), and had resulted in an intense battle to be the first country to explore the mysterious realm of outer space. Without going into painfully excruciating detail, the Space Race was won by the Americans after they landed on the moon in an event dubbed the “Apollo Moon Landings”, an event that turned out to be an elaborate hoax made by the States in an attempt to quickly win the Space Race.

            The Cold War didn't stop there, but fortunately ended after several more conflicts (including one notable incident involving nuclear missiles and John F. Kennedy), unlike Russia's jealousy of America for beating them to the moon, which was only amplified when news of the fake moon landing was spread worldwide. Things only got worse when Dmitry Meredev's reign as president of Russia ended, for it signalled the beginning of Russia's “Reign of Horror” (“Reign of Terror” was already an existing term coined by the French Revolution, and historians were too lazy to come up with a more creative name).

            The Reign of Horror began when some rich Russian socialite motherfucker named Pravona rose to the position of president in his country. Pravona was...delusional, for lack of a better word. However, he was also one manipulative bastard. Pravona was a major underworld figure, who was known by the surface world as a cold, calculating oil baron (so he's just your stereotypical rich millionaire bastard, basically). Pravona was known for engaging in formal (and criminal) events, unlike many other Russian barons and baronesses who just watched the events of their country unfold from atop their ivory towers. For this reason, he was well-known throughout Russia, and his esteemed position within the underworld eventually earned him a place in the country's political ladder, thanks to the not-so-honest nature of several Russian politicians.

            After pulling a few strings within the government and bribing a few million Russians, Pravona eventually rose to the position of Russian president after defeating fellow candidate Vladimir Rutin in the presidential election following Meredev's stepping down from his former position. During the first few years of his reign, Pravona successfully dismantled the Russian democratic system, transforming it into a totalitarian empire (with the help of his criminal associates, obviously) and marking the beginning of the Reign of Horror. From that point on, Russia no longer ruled with democracy but instead utilized a monarchy/dictatorship system, meaning that the emperor had complete control over the country. At Pravona's behest, Russia essentially reverted back to its Stalinist ways, only with more racism, classism and general douchebaggery. As a result the country plummeted into a state of chaos and misery, with the rich and mighty living in mansions and eating off of silver plates whilst the poor were reduced to living on the streets, forced to sell their most valuable belongings just so they could buy a loaf of bread. Inflation, agricultural collectivism, class-based violence...you name it, it happened (with the exception of the whole “Tsar/Bolshevik” bit).

            One of the major events that had happened under Pravona's rule was the creation of the Nebozhitel space programme, a project which was funded by the upper-class Russian figures and criminal kingpins, resurrecting the Soviet Space Program. Still outraged over the United States' faked moon landing that cost Russia the Space Race, Pravona spearheaded the Nebozhitel space programme in an attempt to prove the Americans that the Russians were the true masters of space travel (which was really just Pravona's way of flipping the bird at the Americans, I assume). After spending about a decade relentlessly experimenting with space travel, the Russians successfully managed to construct the very first interplanetary spacecraft, which was named the Prostranstov shuttle.

            The Prostranstov shuttle was tested by astronauts Yuri Bulgarin and Boris Vigorov, two spacemen (yes, spaceMEN; women are treated like subhumans in modern-day Russia, being disallowed from having jobs and being treated unfairly in general) who were experienced in both space travel and the knowledge of foreign planets. Within the course of about half a year, the Prostranstov shuttle successfully landed on the surface of Mars. Armed with the vast knowledge of Mars' geographical features, the astronauts within the shuttle wasted no time in creating an impromptu home on Mars, complete with its own self-sustaining oxygen/carbon dioxide converter. During their stay on the Red Planet, astronauts also reported sightings of several moons orbiting Mars, all of which could potentially be thriving with resources. Following Mars' colonization by the astronauts of the Prostranstov space shuttle, more and more shuttles were sent to assert Russian dominance over Mars, until the planet was so populated that it was named “The New Motherland” by Emperor Pravona himself. Once the planet had been officially recognized as a legitimate Russian planet, the Martian territory (along with the planet's surrounding moons) became known as the “Nebo System” (with that being said, please forgive me for occasionally using the term “system” without realizing that you had zero fucking idea what I meant when I said it in the past). At long last, Pravona's vision of his country's superior technological dominance in the space travel had taken a turn for the better, and after consolidating Mars' position as the New Motherland, he began plotting for galaxy-wide conquest.

            However, Pravona's reign was ended shortly after the establishment of Mars at the New Motherland, and Russian control over the Nebo System started faltering as a result. Some time following Mars' recognition as a Russian planet, Emperor Pravona was found dead in his throne room, face-down in a plate of barely eaten steak. After investigating, experts discovered that judging from the evidence found at the scene of crime (which in this case was Pravona's shriveled, skeletal body along with the massive pool of blood, shit and other bodily fluids spewing out of his nose, mouth and asshole), Pravona was posoned by his steak, which was laced with Torrefacium powder by an assassin who was soon discovered to be part of the MRT (just in case you don't remember, this abbreviation stands for the “Maniac Rebel Team”), who even went as far as to leave a calling card near the crime scene (for those of you who are curious, the message was something along “Don't mess with the Maniacs, bitch!”).

            Anyway, as I was saying in the last paragraph, Russia had been struggling to maintain control over the Nebo System following the untimely demise of their beloved emperor. Before you knew it, the Americans started mimicking Russian interplanetary space travel technology and began colonizing the moons in the Nebo System, finding new resources and founding new technology that has taken humanity to the next level. However, the Russians, now led by Pravona's son Arjan (yes, the asshole who I happen to be taking orders from now), witnessed the United States' presence and exploration attempts within the Nebo System and flew into a jealous rage, remembering the Space Race and the humiliation they suffered at the hands of the Americans. This conflict was known as the Space War (Space RACE, followed by Space WAR, geddit? No? That's not funny? Shit. OK, pretend I never said that and let's move on), and is still going on up to this day.

           Unlike their heartless Russian counterparts, the Americans' motives weren't reserved for self-centred purposes; shortly after the colonization of Priroda Moon by the Americans, they realized the gargantuan amount of useful resources on the moon and decided to utilize Priroda as “Earth 2”, due to Priroda's mockingly similar features to Earth (lush forests, diverse amounts of animals, various landscapes...how much closer to Earth can you get?). To this end, they “Americanized” Priroda, molding it into a prosperous, safe and accepting environment as opposed to Pravona's chaotic, racist and classist disgrace of a planet (at least in my opinion. And not to mention the opinions of any decent human fucking being, on that matter...). After Priroda's “Americanization”, the United States government decided to go out of their way to make Priroda a place not just for their people, but also a place for people of all cultures and races, a place that offered a new beginning to whoever entered it.

            This idea led to an event known as the “Mass Migration”, in which hundreds of interplanetary space shuttles transported people from all over Earth to their new homes on Priroda Moon (at this rate, Earth had run out of natural resources and its inhabitants were struggling to survive, but things got slightly better when the Americans brought back resources to help maintain the critical state of the Green Planet). Alas, Priroda can only house so many people, and a huge portion of the Earth's population still remained on the obsolete planet, still awaiting their turn to be transferred to a new home in the Nebo System. To (temporarily) mitigate Earth's slowly but surely deteriorating state (yes, the Earth's core in kinda going haywire right now, and had it not been for the Americans' intervention, the planet would be mere chunks of rock floating around in the reaches of space), the Americans have built many devices to ensure Earth's conservation. This project was dubbed “ECO” (Earth Conservation Objective), and was led by the Gaia Corporation, one of the more eco-friendly companies in this unforgiving galaxy.

            The Gaia Corporation owns the majority of resources extracted from American-owned territories in the Nebo System, and uses it to fulfill the ECO's requirements. They're considered one of the most crucial corporations in the galaxy, as evidenced by their major role in preserving all that Mother nature has to offer on every imaginable area in the known universe (believe it or not, Gaia was also behind all that “Go Green” shit back on Earth. Anything related with preserving Earth, they were behind it. Now, they've expanded their influence to other planets). Take Earth, for instance: when our beloved planet was on the brink of destruction, Gaia successfully managed to develop ingenious devices to help counter whatever issues the planet had to throw at us: atmospherical stabilizers to help regulate the critical condition of the ozone layer, a cooling system to prevent the Earth's core from blowing the fuck up and taking our asses with it, oxygen generators to remedy our planet's ever-decreasing oxygen levels...Hell, there are countless other inventions, and I don't even know how HALF of them work (with the exception of the oxygen generator, which is apparently just a device that siphons carbon dioxide from the air we exhale and feeds it into special plants that are stored within the device, which in turn processes the carbon dioxide and converts it into oxygen for us to inhale and repeats the cycle again). Goddammit, I'm getting distracted again. We should really get back to talking about the Nebo System, my bad. Sorry, I get distracted at times (can you stop babbling and continue your goddamn explanation?).

            So anyway, the Nebo System is divided into two sectors: The American and Russian Sector, respectively (I'm no expert with star charts and shit, so please forgive me if I can't give you guys a list of moons/planets/areas that belong in the American and Russian Sectors). Meanwhile, the Maniacs live in many places throughout the Nebo System, owning hundreds of hideouts spread throughout the Nebo System, both on the American and Russian sector. People of ethnicities other than American or Russian tend to stay away from the Russian Sector after hearing the nightmarish stories about the cruel nature of Russian-ruled regions. However, several unfortunate foreigners fell prey to the Russians' sugarcoated claims of the Russian Sector, and not many of these visitors have managed to escape the clutches of the Russian Sector, and there have even been several cases of foreigners missing from the Russian Sector. Hell, there have even been several cases of brutal foreigner DEATHS in the Sector, now that I recall (don't even get me started on the monthly “purges” held on Mars. Those events are basically glorified, government-allowed killing sprees).

            Which brings me to the topic of my home. Just an FYI, I don't live in a giant-ass mansion on Priroda Moon; I'm too reclusive for that shit. Instead, I live on a meteorite chunk that's floating around the Nebo System. Yes, you heard that right. However, the meteorite chunk I'm living on is far from normal; this meteorite has a very...intriguing history. A few decades ago, the Americans found a rather large meteorite floating around Mars. An expedition was held afterward by American scientists, who named the meteorite chunk “Epidromeis”. However, they withdrew from the expedition upon realizing that the meteorite had nothing of value on it. Shortly after the expedition was held, the Russians also sent spies to Epidromeis to confirm their enemies' suspicions, and they also found nothing to plunder from the meteorite. For years, Epidromeis was a barren, unpopulated rock just roaming around space, until one fateful day.

            Allow me to introduce the man who turned Epidromeis into a pirate's paradise: Stephanna “Oatmeal” Christian. Stephanna is the third eldest sibling in the Christian family, but don't let his last name fool you; Stephanna was anything BUT holy. He's earned the title of “most wanted” on several ten law enforcement organizations throughout the known universe, and for a very good reason; he's committed acts of drug trafficking, murder, arms dealing, and other massive felonies you'd expect your typical mafia kingpin to be engaged in. However, Stephanna has a good side as well (for us lawbreakers, at least).

            If you were wondering how Stephanna got the nickname “Oatmeal”, it was from a gruesome incident that took place some time before his departure from Earth. Other than having an elevated position in the underworld, Stephanna was also the owner of several world-famous hotel chains, such as Panacea Resorts, a company that was involved in the chain of events that eventually led to the colonization of Epidromeis by criminal bosses. So anyway, the Panacea Corporation is one of Earth's (and after the things that have happened over the course of the past few years, the Nebo System's) most famous companies, offering their services in the form of hotels (Panacea Hotels), houses, apartments, condos (Panacea Lodging)...Hell, they even offer luxury cruises and first-class flights (Panacea Transport). However, there was ONE incident that put a slight dent in the company's reputation...

            Back when Stephanna used to live on Earth (due to easy access to his assets, naturally), he would go on an annual tour around the world to personally check that his company's progress was all right. This meant touring his hotels, cruiseships, and pretty much every conceivable facility that he thought would require his evaluation. Unfortunately, whilst he was miling around the corridor of a certain Panacea hotel branch in Detroit, Stephanna was assaulted by a man who called him a “pansy-ass pig-fucker” promptly before brandishing a kitchen knife and running towards an awestruck Stephanna whilst screaming “DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!” at the top of his lungs. Stephanna paused for several seconds to register the fact that a psychotic knife-wielding maniac was sprinting in his direction at breakneck speed before dodging the knife and incapacitating the assailant with a right hook.

            What happened to the assailant in the aftermath was somewhat...brutal. Without going into gut-wrenchingly gruesome detail, miniscule chunks of mystery meat were spotted inside the oatmeal during the hotel's breakfast buffett the morning after the assault. Customers quickly became wary of the oatmeal's mysterious taste, and Stephanna attempted to ward off suspicions by passing off the mysterious chunks in the oatmeal as “pieces of chicken”. Nevertheless, it wasn't long before people realized that they've been eating human flesh, and samples of the meat were taken and analyzed by the authorities. After a few hours of research, the evidence was traced back to a criminal named “Melvin Baxter”, an American petty thug who had a history of alcohol-influenced crimes, such as assault and battery and drunk driving. From that point on, Stephanna was given the nickname “Oatmeal” due to his inhuman method of taking care of his “problems”.

            Upon deducing the victim's identity, Stephanna was hauled to court, where he acted oddly calm (which make sense, considering the fact that he bribed the judge to support his case during the trial) throughout the course of the entire hearing. Thanks to the bribe, Stephanna was declared innocent despite the overwhelming amount of evidence against him. But just as the judge was about to put an end to the case, a Russian hitman arose from a courtroom bench two rows away from Stephanna's, took out a 9mm Block 33 handgun, and shot his firearm at the crime boss. Miraculously, Stephanna dodged the assassin's bullet (presumably a skill he gained from his personal involvements in shootouts and similar criminal activities), and the gunman was knocked out by one of Stephanna's men, who happened to be sitting in the bench behind the shooter at the time.

            Stephanna's trial went downhill from that point on; as it turned out, the gunman was part of a hit squad that had been watching Stephanna during the hearing, and they surrounded the courthouse in a matter of minutes. After a lengthy, intense firefight in the courthouse grounds between Stephanna's men and the assassins, Stephanna and his men emerged from the ruins of the courthouse, victorious (at the cost of a considerable amount of casualties) but now a hunted man.

            Realizing that he was no longer safe on Earth, Stephanna decided to move his headquarters to a more secure location, and boarded a shuttle to Priroda Moon for a new beginning. Unfortunately, the hit squad who attacked Stephanna at the courthouse apparently hadn't given up their hunt, and hijacked Stephanna's shuttle, initiating yet ANOTHER gunfight between Stephanna's men and the hit squad. Once again, Stephanna and his men somehow overpowered the killers and regained control over the shuttle with the help of a pilot who miraculously survived the battle, and traveled back to Earth for some weird goddamn reason.

            After several weeks' time, it turns out that the “weird goddamn reason” Stephanna had for returning to Earth was that he was gathering support from his associates (both criminal and legal) to help fund the creation of his very own space colony, and Epidromeis was the perfect place to begin the construction of his community. Whilst Stephanna was on Earth, he also managed to uncover the identity of the hit squad who had been following him around like a crazed stalker. As it turns out, Stephanna had been causing significant problems for the Russian mafia, an organization that just so  happened to be one of Emperor Pravona's main financial backers. After some time, the mafia decided that it was time to dispose of the “issue” by sending one of their prisoners to a hotel that Stephanna was sighted in. This prisoner's name was Melvin Baxter, an American who had been sent to kill Stephanna in exchange for his freedom from captivity. After Melvin was killed by Stephanna in self-defense (something that the Russians predicted would happen, given Stephanna's skill in combat), the mafia took Melvin's body, chopped him up into pieces, then bribed a cook in the hotel kitchen to serve the meat in the oatmeal during the breakfast buffet (by the way, if you were wondering why the mafia couldn't just sneak up to Stephanna whilst he was off-guard or just poison his food, let's just say that Stephanna is...never off-guard. Yeah, that's right. As a matter of fact, he's so damn wary of his surroundings that he always spots some suspicious detail where others won't. That's the reason he's still alive up to this day. Hell, some people even believe he's supernaturally gifted or some shit, but the bottom line is, don't fuck with him), resulting in Stephanna's condemnation.

            Once in the courtroom, the hitmen went into action when the judge was about to end the court session, but failed to dispatch Stephanna, even after ambushing him in a space shuttle headed for the Nebo System. Ever since the assault on the shuttle, Stephanna became bitter enemies with the Russian Mafia, along with their buddies in the Russian government (the rivalry comes in one package, hence the old saying: “you fuck with one Russian, you fuck with 'em all”. And no, certainly not in THAT way), even going as far as allying himself with the MRT (Maniac Rebel Team, in case you forgot), who have been a gargantuan pain in the Russian government's ass, if I hadn't made that clear enough already.

            After all the arrangements and shit on Earth were complete, Stephanna began the construction of his colony on Epidromeis, and transformed the formerly uninhabitable meteorite chunk into a haven for peoples from Earth to the Nebo System. In addition, Epidromeis also got some pretty sweet upgrades, such as a meteorite-wide oxygen generator (to maintain a steady flow of air on the meteorite), turrets (to shoot down any unwanted visitors) and even multiple gigantic jet engines scattered around the meteorite, essentially turning Epidromeis into a giant, jet-propelled fortress of doom. After about a year's time, Epidromeis became a home for people all over the universe, and has been an astoundingly peaceful colony despite its ruler's criminal nature.

            A few months following Epidromeis' colonization, Stephanna decided to take action against Emperor Pravona and the Russian mafia, orchestrating assaults on vital mafia operations, which in turn led to the downfall of the Russian mafia. Finally, he helped the MRT take down Emperor Pravona himself. However, the assassination did little to change the Russian government; since Pravona changed Russia's ruling system from a democracy to a monarchy, the position of emperor had been filled by Pravona's equally (if not more) ruthless son, Arjan. Yes, that's right. My asshole employer is the very same dude that rules his miserable empire with an iron fist, just like his asshole dad before him.

            Shit, I'm nearing the starport right now, so I think I gotta prepare the papers and crap so that I can leave for Priroda Moon with relative ease. I'll tell you guys more about the history of my universe, well, whenever the hell I feel like it, I guess. Until that moment comes, see ya.