Chapter 5: Under Control

Chapter 5: Under Control

            “-And to your left is the 'Russia's Corruption' exhibit, which shows the gradual deterioration of Russia from the glorious democracy it once was into the despotic, tyrannical union it used to be back in World War 2,” the tour guide explained to the group (care to explain what the hell is going on here, bud?). Yeah, yeah, tell me something I didn't know already. Sheesh, skip the history, OK? I'm shit at remembering these things as it is. I don't even remember the Declaration of Interplanetary Unification (DIPU for short), for Chrissake.

            “So, do you see the artifact yet?” a voice in my earpiece asked. (the voice, just in case you didn't know, was the voice of my information broker, who goes by the moniker “Sachi”. I'll share some background info about her in a sec).

“Nope. You said that there was gonna be this large-ass exhibition showing the artifact off in the middle of the museum or something, right?” I replied.

“Yeah. I assume you still haven't reached that part of the museum yet, eh?”

“Well, OBVIOUSLY I am, because I'm asking you where it is right now, right?”

“OK, OK, sheesh. Lay off the sarcasm for a bit, man,”

“Well, in any case, I'll tell you once I get to the exhibit. See you later,”

“Right. See you too. Sachi out.” Sachi said, ending the conversation.

            Good ol' Sachi. We both go way back. Like, WAAAAY back. As of right now, Sachi is an internet sensation, skyrocketing to fame after a series of viral iTube comedic sketches, earning her millions of views per video. In the real world, that's who Sachi is: a famous iTube comedy star who goes by the name of “Nadia Saudi”. One the side, she also works as a model for a few beauty companies, such as Aphrodite Cosmetics (for those of you who don't know, Aphrodite is...well, let's just say that it's a beauty franchise like “The Body Shop”, but on an interplanetary scale). Hence her name, Nadia hails from Saudi Arabia, which would certainly explain her dark skin tone (unlike her beauty, which I'm gonna assume wasn't gained from her Arabian heritage). Oh, and she was my classmate back in high school.

            Yes, you heard that right. Nadia was my classmate back in high school. Before she became my best friend, I knew her as “my crush's best friend”. Long story short, I guess it's safe to say that I used Nadia as a way to get to my crush. Being the socially inept fuck that I was, I failed, but from that point on, Nadia became one of my closest friends, and assists me with my problems up to this day, regardless of difficulty.

            Up to this day, she still helps me with whatever issues I have, giving me advice on how to NOT fuck it up with the ladies, and how to infiltrate into high-security facilities that are specifically designed to keep intruders like me out of said facility. If you're wondering how she does so, it's because that aside from being a sensational internet star and a mesmerizing model, in the underworld, Nadia works as an information broker for unscrupulous activities, although I'm pretty sure I've said that already. The fact that the was somehow willing to work for an awkward-ass fuck like me is kind of...amazing (oh and just for future reference, we'll refer to her as “Sachi” from now on. Much simpler).

            Anyway, enough about the phenomenal hotness and intelligence of my colleague. Back in real life, I was still stuck with this boring-ass tour group, which was REALLY helping the mission progress, what with the constant unnecessary pauses and explanations regarding every single exhibit we came to. After spending about thirty minutes listening to the tour guide ramble on about the oh-so-interesting origins of every single exhibit we passed (if anything, at least she was kinda hot. Not that you're ever gonna be getting any of that action, of course), we finally reached the artifact piece, which was...placed inside a glass box on a pedestal in the middle of the museum for everyone to look at? What the hell is going on here?

           “Sach, I've got eyes on the artifact piece, but...why is there no exhibit for it?” I asked Sachi over my earpiece, perplexed by what I saw.

“Wait, WHAT? No...exhibit? What the hell do you mean?”

“I mean, the artifact piece is being kept inside this glass container in the middle of the museum for everyone to look at,”

“Oh. Well, that's just the standard exhibition shit that the Museum of Interplanetary History does with their newest exhibits, mainly the more...'important' ones. Seeing that the artifact piece is like, a really famous legend about the universe, you really shouldn't be THAT surprised that it's being held for all to see,” Sachi explained.

“Right. That would certainly explain the armed guards protecting the artifact piece, wouldn't it?”

“Yep. This museum really commits to protecting their shit. I assume you've already got a plan on how to get this thing out of here?”

“Pssscht, no prob. Anyway, thanks for the confirmation. Elmer out.” I said. Alright, now to actually FIND a way to get the artifact piece out of the container and to a secure area. Problem is, the artifact has had a rather colorful history of driving people insane, and I wasn't too enthralled by the prospect of turning into one of those nutjobs. Fortunately, the glass box containing the Artifact piece wasn't stuck on the pedestal, meaning that I could just snatch the box when the coast was clear.

            “Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you the latest entry in our ever-growing list of treasures here in the Museum of Interplanetary History: a piece of the legendary Tempus Artifact. According to legends, the Tempus Artifact's origins date back to the creation of this very universe,” a white-haired presenter said over a microphone. He was wearing a grey tuxedo, if you were wondering. I was still waiting for the perfect moment to strike, so I let the presenter continue his monologue. “In addition, the Tempus Artifact has also been rumored to control the flow of time itself, along with several gravitational anomalies that have happened throughout the universe. Some people even believe that the Artifact is also responsible for controlling the balance of life and death in the universe. However, all these rumors and legends lack any scientific explanation, and therefore remain an untrustworthy source of information for Artifact-related research.

            “There are about four pieces of the Artifact scattered around the Nebo System, and one of these pieces are said to be located somewhere on the Plavok Moon, an unexplored moon in the System that has been home to a great deal of odd happenings, mostly due to the moon's unique structure. However, there is also a distinct possibility that these happenings may also be caused by an Artifact piece on the planet, although these predictions remain to be proven,” the presenter continued. I made a mental note to myself to remember that little tidbit of information so that I could continue the hunt for the next Artifact piece of Plavok Moon.

            “There are many theories as to why the Artifact pieces are scattered around the Nebo System. Some believe that the Artifact was broken during the universe's creation, while other people believe that the Gods (these “Gods”, just in case you didn't know, are mythical deities that have been around since the Big Bang. Different gods have different powers and roles in the universe. I'll explain more about 'em later on) themselves split the Artifact into pieces for an unknown reason. Meanwhile, other people claim that the Foris were responsible for dividing the Artifact into pieces (the Foris are a alien race that are humanoid in appearance, but are far more advanced than us humans, in terms of both technology and physical strength. How the presenter forgot to mention that bit to the audience is beyond me). Due to the aforementioned reasons, the Artifact's origins also remain shrouded in mystery, much like the knowledge that is known about this fascinating relic,” (holy shit, how long are you gonna wait, buddy? The museum's probably gonna close down by the time this fucker's done talking) I snuck a peek at the guards, and the Artifact piece was still within their cones of vision, much to my disappointment. I kept waiting (Uuuuugh...).

            “The Artifact pieces are to be contained within a protective case made from a material capable of containing the Artifact's powerful pulses, such as Praxiglass. These pulses are capable of driving a perfectly normal human being insane within a matter of minutes. The first reported case of such an incident was when one of Earth's greatest minds attempted to paint this very Artifact piece. Just a few years ago, Leonardo Da Wilson himself, descendant of the world-famous Leonardo Da Vinci and a leading scientist in the field of space travel, was driven to madness when he attempted to paint this Artifact piece without any protection, insisting that he needed to 'have a good, close look at what he was painting'. By the end of the painting session, Da Wilson had completed his painting, but instead of bringing the painting out of the room to dry after he was done, Da Wilson instead remained in his painting room, scribbling gibberish on the walls and chanting indiscernible sounds whilst doing so. By the time Da Wilson's apprentice Marcus finally decided to find out what was taking his teacher so long, Da Wilson had filled about half of the room with indecipherable text. After spending a few hours attempting to restore Da Wilson's sanity, Marcus eventually had no choice but to entrust Da Wilson to a mental ward. To this day, Da Wilson remains under the care of Tiffany Ong herself, a medical prodigy and co-founder of the Asclepius Corporation (Asclepius is essentially the Nebo System's equivalent of the World Health Organization, back when the WHO was still a thing),” Hearing this, I made another mental reminder to check on Da Wilson if I got the chance. Although the possibility of me getting any info from the guy was microscopic, it was worth a try (OK, this is taking WAAAAAAY too goddamn long. Excuse me while I speed this process up a bit).

            “The Tempus Artifact is also-OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!” the presenter screamed as the museum's ceiling suddenly got blasted by an alien spaceship's cannon. Well, speak of the fuckin' devil, the Foris are here. I'm no genius, but I'm guessing that their visit has something to do with the presence of an Artifact piece in the museum. OK, now I've gotta act quick.

            “PEOPLE OF PRIRODA MOON,” A Foris said over the ship's loudspeaker system. “WE HAVE COME TO THIS MOON TO RETRIEVE A PIECE OF THE MIGHTY TEMPUS ARTIFACT. DO NOT RESIST OR YOU WILL BE DESTROYED.” Shortly after saying the aforementioned sentence, a group of three Foris soldiers suddenly appeared near the Artifact piece's pedestal, clad in smooth, jet-black armor. Not many people have survived to discover what type of armor the aliens use, but being one such survivor, I can say with certainty that these Foris are wearing suits made up of a Duranium alloy (what the other element in the alloy is, I have no fucking idea). Just sayin'. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find a way to pilfer this Artifact piece without getting caught. Until then, Jason out.